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“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” That was a famous line in the 1970 film “Love Story.” The problem with that line of thinking is that it is Hollywood-based and not Bible-based. Have you ever heard an old couple say,” We have been married X amount of years and we have never had a single fight.” Sometimes people don’t fight for various reasons. Expressing anger and dealing with conflict might be hard because of things you have learned or messages you have gotten about anger, conflict, and confrontation. You may have seen people expressing destructive anger and made a decision early on not to express these emotions. You might have learned that anger leads to the withdrawal of a person’s love. My grandmother was an expert in the violence of silence. If you crossed her, she would give you the silent treatment for days or even weeks.

Other problems could be a person may be over-sensitive. Some people are thin-skinned and are incapable of handling even the slightest criticism. Sweeping conflicts under the rug is another good one. It might work for a short period of time but usually over time it erodes the relationship. It is best to express an annoyance with someone rather than pretend it does not exist. It is usually better to deal with our anger in a direct and honest way. In order to express our anger we must feel safe when doing so. We must be able to trust the reactions of the other person. We must do it in a relatively short amount of time after the incident. Like the Bible states in Ephesians 4:26, “Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Denial or unexpressed anger festers and eventually leads to the death of a relationship. Anger needs to be dealt with in a constructive way before it leads to explosive proportions. It is difficult to feel loving towards another if you are harboring unexpressed grudges. Unresolved conflicts will eventually poison the relationship and prevent intimacy. Letting go of old grievances and forgiving others is essential in maintaining intimacy. You don’t necessarily have to forget to forgive. But don’t be a grudge holder or seek vengeance on the other person. Forgiveness is the act of letting go. Most people think that when you forgive someone you are doing it for them.

Truthfully, when you forgive someone else you are doing it for yourself. We can see the journey of forgiveness as crossing a bridge over mulling over our anger to a place of peace. Forgiveness is like “spiritual surgery” on the soul. It cuts away the rotten parts so there is room for healthy growth. We also need to recognize that we need to forgive ourselves as well. Sometimes when we hurt someone, the guilt of it haunts us and we are unable to forgive ourselves. This is especially true when we have unresolved issues with someone who has passed away. It leads to feelings of guilt and pain; manifests itself in undue suffering in the grieving process. It can lead to regrets and self-loathing. Ask for forgiveness from others when we have wronged them. That way God can forgive us for our wrongdoing. Matthew 6:12 says, “And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” I believe that true peace will only come when we each can take the responsibility of forgiving everyone, including ourselves. So love really does mean having to say we’re sorry.