I anxiously packed my bags to load into the vehicle. I hollered “I’m Ready!”
to my dad, and headed for the van. Finally I was heading to college and
realizing a dream-come-true. I had spent my high school years taking college
prep courses and was on track. My high school years were difficult. I was
painfully shy and felt so different from the other teens my age. Being shy,
I had trouble starting conversations. But even when I did talk, others would
cut me off mid-sentence. It seemed like no one really wanted to hang out
with me. It didn’t help that I was very involved with my church. Most of the
other kids were “partiers” and liked to tell their wild tales. No one wanted
to listen or have anything to do with God. It seemed like there was no way
to fit into the “click”.
I was really nervous in route to the college campus. I had so much running
through my head. As we drove across the state, I prayed to God that He would
help me overcome my fears. I wanted desperately to fit in.
When we arrived at the campus it seemed so large and frightening. We checked
out the map and headed for the girl’s dormitory. After making the proper
arrangements I was escorted to my dorm room by the girl’s dean. My parents
helped me carry my suitcases and boxes to the room. Then we said our
goodbyes. I was left alone in the dorm room full of anticipation. About an
hour passed and in walked a young woman. “Hi, I’m Julie, your new roommate.”
“Hi, I’m Katie,” I said. It wasn’t long and we were laughing and chatting
like we had known each other for years. I was suddenly excited about this
new adventure. I was spending time studying, socializing, and worshipping
God with Christians my own age. I felt like I was part of this college
“click”.
Time moved along swiftly in my new environment. Before long I was a
sophomore in college. Shortly after the first term in my sophomore year I
met and started dating a guy named Jerry. Jerry seemed so exciting and was
very cute. Majoring in religion, he would spend hours talking with me about
spiritual things. He was planning on becoming an evangelist. I was so
impressed with him. He was a true-to-life gangs to God individual. In his
early teens he became involved with a gang and was shot. Spending almost two
years at Mayo clinic, a local pastor began visiting him on a regular basis.
Eventually Jerry’s wounds healed and so did his heart. He gave his life to
the Lord and ended up signing up for college. I felt so special just knowing
him. I was in-love for the first time.
Then one Saturday night, Jerry asked me to accompany him to visit some local
friends for a bible study. He picked me up at the dorm in a vehicle borrowed
from a fellow classmate. He opened the door for me and handed me a rose. As
I got into the vehicle I smelled the rose he’d brought me. We drove for
about half an hour and arrived at our destination. “Wait until you meet Pat
and Tom,” Jerry said. We walked up to the apartment and rang the doorbell.
No one answered. We rang it again and still no answer. “That’s strange,”
Jerry mused. Then he pushed the door and it popped open. “I guess they left
the door open for us,” Jerry said. “Let’s just wait inside until they get
back,” said Jerry. “Are you sure?” I asked. “Oh yeah, no problem,” he
retorted. We waited for a few minutes and still no sign of them. Jerry
walked over to the couch, sat and patted on the seat cushion, indicating for
me to sit down. We were seated on the couch and Jerry looked into my eyes.
Then he pulled me to him and laid me onto the couch. “Jerry, I don’t think
this is such a good idea,” I said. He didn’t answer. He began unbuttoning my
blouse and unzipped my pants. “Jerry what are you doing?” I asked. He still
didn’t talk. He began kissing me hard on the mouth. “Jerry, please don’t,” I
begged. Deep down inside I knew something terrible was about to happen. I
felt so dirty after it was over. We left the apartment and didn’t talk the
whole way back. I was so humiliated and ashamed.
I never told anyone what
had happened that day. I went to my dorm room and took a shower and scrubbed
my body with a scrub brush. I cried for a very, very long time, wondering if
God could forgive me. I often read passages of scripture like Psalms 51:
“Wash me clean of my sin and guilt.” I felt so many mixed emotions, after
the rape, like powerlessness and loss of control; emotional numbness;
disturbed sleep and nightmares; loss of confidence; betrayal; hostility and
anger; fear and anxiety; isolation; depression; and not wanting to be
touched. I never told anyone because I thought the rape was my fault. Then
one day a woman came to our church and talked about the devastation of
date/acquaintance rape. I really related to everything she was saying. I
decided to go and seek help. I asked my pastor what to do and he referred me
to a good Christian counselor. Eventually, with a lot of prayer and good
counseling I was able to heal. The process was slow, I must admit.
